Funny ATC Transcrips.

[ddracer]

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."



From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."



A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

[ddracer]

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

[jakegazzard]

[quote]
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
[/quote]

That cracked me up no end! You just made my day

[unwind-protect]

(Apparently) from an SR-71 pilot:

"
[FONT=Verdana][SIZE=2][FONT=Verdana]One day, high above Arizona, we were monitoring the radio traffic of all the mortal airplanes below us. First, a Cessna pilot asked the air traffic controllers to check his ground speed. 'Ninety knots,' ATC replied. A twin Bonanza soon made the same request. 'One-twenty on the ground,' was the reply. To our surprise, a navy F-18 came over the radio with a ground speed check. I knew exactly what he was doing. Of course, he had a ground speed indicator in his cockpit, but he wanted to let all the bug-smashers in the valley know what real speed was 'Dusty 52, we show you at 525 on the ground,' ATC responded. The situation was too ripe. I heard the click of Walter's mike button in the rear seat. In his most innocent voice, Walter startled the controller by asking for a ground speed check from 81,000 feet, clearly above controlled airspace. In a cool, professional voice, the controller replied, 'Aspen 20, I show you at 1,742 knots on the ground.' We did not hear another transmission on that frequency all the way to the coast.
"

[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT][URL="http://maggiesfarm.anotherdotcom.com/archives/7821-Major-Brian-Shul-I-loved-that-jet.html"]Source[/URL]

[Ewan]

Very funny reminds me of this old chestnut not atc but in a similar vein.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S.
naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland
October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid
a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN,
THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN
TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[Sao]

[quote=Ewan;437596]Very funny reminds me of this old chestnut not atc but in a similar vein.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S.
naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland
October 1995.

[/quote]
Funny but not real
[url=http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp]snopes.com: Lighthouse and Aircraft Carrier[/url]

[Ewan]

[quote=Sao;437598]Funny but not real
[URL="http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp"]snopes.com: Lighthouse and Aircraft Carrier[/URL][/quote]
I know, but it does make me smile.

[Aidi]

Here's a real one.... As it was me doing the controlling.

Was over in Canada in 92' working on the massive Army Live Firing range. Each group has a different callsign... Artillery callsign 4, 4A, 4B etc. Being new, i hadn't fully learnt all the groups.

Every movement on the range has to be controlled, so no body can accidently move into a live firing range. A new comms system installed, so a bit flakey at times (nothing new there with MOD kit). We were waiting on suppression kit to be fitted to all veh's to eliminate interference.. This is what happend:

Callsign 5 calls up - Very intermittant, i ask for him to repeat.

Calls again, and i get most of the call but ask to confirm

Calls again, still not very good... so i proceed to instruct him to move to higher ground, turn off his engine (to eliminate the suppression problem)

Calls back asking me to repeat, which i duly did

Calls back again, this time much better... Only to tell me he is currently at 2000ft, and turning off his engine is not such a good idea!!

Callsign 5 was in fact an Army Air Corp Gazelle Helicopter!!

Needless to say, much fun was had at my expense, not to mention what it cost me in drinks that night!!

Rgds
Aidi

[gazza]

On a similar note when I was in the RAF I remember reading in some publication or other; Some actual American USAF & Civilian airline maintenance log entries...

Here are a few I can remember..

Aircrew report: Evidence of hydraulic leak on RH Main landing gear.
Maintenance action: Evidence removed.

Aircrew report: No2 Engine 'Missing'
Maintenance action: No2 engine found on RH wing after brief search.

Aircrew report: Autoland a little 'Rough'
Maintenance action: Autoland not fitted on this aircraft.

[Mark_T]

[quote=gazza;437632]On a similar note when I was in the RAF I remember reading in some publication or other; Some actual American USAF & Civilian airline maintenance log entries...[/quote]

There is a good list of them here :

[url=http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp]snopes.com: Squawk Word[/url]

I think I've seen them attributed to pretty much every airline and Air Force over the years, but they are still funny regardless of the truth :)

[Weebl]

[quote=Mark_T;437641]There is a good list of them here :

[URL="http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp"]snopes.com: Squawk Word[/URL]

I think I've seen them attributed to pretty much every airline and Air Force over the years, but they are still funny regardless of the truth :)[/quote]

I was called out for a crew in on a C130 a while ago and the snag was that when he did the friction locks up on the throttles, they became very stiff to move and could we make them a bit looser.

I undid the friction lock a bit and looked at him quizzically, the penny dropped and the Captain and Eng just looked at him laughing.

So while they might be a bit of an urban myth they do have a grain of truth in them :)

I have also seen 707 entries cleared with 'does not work in O.F.F. mode' before as well

[Mark_T]

[quote=Weebl;437648]So while they might be a bit of an urban myth they do have a grain of truth in them :)[/quote]

It's like all the oft repeated funny PC support calls.

I'm old enough to have been involved in rolling out PCs when they first became available (and were still made by IBM) and have experienced first-hand a lot of the stuff that is still doing the rounds now :)

[gazza]

[quote=Mark_T;437641]There is a good list of them here :

[URL="http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp"]snopes.com: Squawk Word[/URL]

I think I've seen them attributed to pretty much every airline and Air Force over the years, but they are still funny regardless of the truth :)[/quote]


Nice one Mark they're damn funny:)